As current President of the Design Opposition Grassroots Movement of America, I just want to come out and say it: There’s no evidence for design, intelligent or otherwise. It simply doesn’t exist. It’s an idea based on ancient superstitions. And it’s just dumb. Stupid. Ignorant. Overwhlemingly boring. Idiotic. Moronic even.
Unfortunately, stealth creationist groups like the Discovery Institute and the Army Corp of Engineers have infected our public school textbooks with this religious idea of design and are trying to convince our gullible moron kids that design exists. But it just doesn’t. So today we’re going to take critical look at the so-called evidence for this creationist lie of design and tell you why it’s a flying crock!
Better yet, we’re gonna put our thinking caps up on the shelf a bit and go straight to the experts. These guys have PhDs and are obviously much smarter and better looking than the rest of us, so we need to listen to them.
I caught up with my first expert scientist at a local riverfront park. I dutifully begged for an interview from this uber atheist and after kicking me a few times for spite [It’s OK. Atheist] he grudgingly agreed to answer my questions if I bought him a couple chili dogs.
PZ Squiddy runs an awesome blog called Uvula where he baits and mocks these crackpot creationists and posts a different picture of a uvula [It’s that piece of skin that hangs down in the back of your throat] each week. [There was a bifid uvula last week!] He also likes to crash polls.
Me: “First may I just say what an honor it is to be demolishing the argument for design with you today.”
Squiddy: “You may.”
Me: “Behind me is a bridge . I can’t say where it is, legally. Now designists will tell us that this bridge was designed, that it’s evidence of an intelligent designer. What do you say to these creationist liars?”
Squiddy: “They’re not looking at the evidence right because they’re moronic moron whackaloons who don’t understand science. Design isn’t science because science only looks for natural explanations. Duh.”
Me: “But they say that if we were more open-minded, we would see that the evidence leads to design.”
Squiddy: “I don’t need to be open-minded to Flat-earth fundamentalist ignorance. They’re just trying to push their religious agendas on our dumb and rediculously inmpressionable children. It’s child abuse!”
Me: “Child abuse? Really?”
Squiddy: “Might as well be putting beer in a baby’s bottle. It’s just wrong to teach your kid Creationist lies in a meaningless, uncaring universe with no point and no hope for reprieve from our suffering by a benevolent God who cares and answers prayer. It’s abuse to set up such false hope when they’re just evolved pond scum who accidentally came to be. It’s reprehensible that these guys try to fill these dumb kids’ heads with false notions of meaning, purpose and the hope that anything they do matters. The universe doesn’t care. When they die, they’re worm food. That’s the truth and that’s what we should tell them. These kids need to indoctrinated in the right dogma, not Creationist nonsense.”
That sounded a little harsh, but I guess I could see his point, sort of. I thought he was just super-selfless to dedicate his pointless life in the meaningless quest to stomp out Creationist lies, especially since his noble efforts won’t do him a hill of beans after he’s become a part of the Great Worm Buffet.
Me: “But is there evidence for intelligent design?”
Squiddy: “[scoffs] Let me tell you about the ‘evidence’ for ‘intelligent’ design. You mentioned that bridge over there. Well, look at it – it’s poorly designed. Yes, it’s functional and accomplishes its purpose so-called, but it’s falling apart. I wouldn’t have designed it like this. I don’t know anybody who would. Is this the work of an intelligent designer? How could it be? Hello, your bridge is rusting apart! [snort]”
Me: “Stealth creationists will tell you that an Architect designed this bridge and that it was created according to a his blueprint. Mythological nonsense like this has no place in our schools.”
Squiddy: “That’s right. We’ve never seen it happen, but it’s a scientific fact that bridges take millions of years to form. It’s a long process of erosion and other natural forces, small, successive changes over time that give us land bridges and, eventually, bridges like the one you see behind me.”
Me: “But designists want to teach our kids that an architect was responsible. They’re even sneaking it into our textbooks.”
Squiddy: “I know. Religious fundamentalist nutjobs have convinced publishers to lie to our children. ‘Who built the pyramids?’ they ask. Nobody! No Sky Fairy. No Architect. No builders. The pyramids weren’t made by a who? They weren’t designed. The non-designist consensus of science agree that the pyramids were formed by vulcanism, metamorphosis, erosion and other purely natural geological speculations. I mean, are the mountains designed? Hello, pyramids are just pointy mountains.”
What designists fail to realize is that they’re stupid. They don’t get it. If we can come up with a way that these things could have happened without a designer – no matter how improbable, speculative or just plain silly – well, then that’s probably how it happened. I looked to PZ Squiddy for affirmation.
Me: “So if we can imagineer a way it could’ve happened without a designer, even if it looks designed…”
Squiddy: “There’s no design. Exactly. Poof!”
Me: “What if that doesn’t work? What if that doesn’t convince these willfully ignorant morons?”
Squiddy: “Then we make drawings. A picture is worth a thousand words, right? That’s how we do it in textbooks and museums. If we can imagineer it and show them pictures of it, it’s in the bag.”
Me: “What if they still aren’t convinced?”
PZ Squiddy bothered to look at me for the first time. It wasn’t a kind look exactly. I think in retrospect that he wanted to know where I was going with all of this. Nevertheless he was gracious enough to deign to respond to my ignorant bleatings.
Squiddy: “Then we just remind them that all of the evidence is on our side. And that there’s lots of evidence. And that most scientists think design is just dumb. And that design isn’t science because design isn’t a natural explanation and science only looks for natural explantions and natural explanations are the only explanations allowed. That’s why design isn’t science.”
Me: “What do you say to the Creationist objection that evidence has to be interpreted?”
Squiddy: “I’m sorry… I just kinda tuned you out when you said the word “Creationist.” Look, we have interpreted the evidence and we’re the experts. There’s no controversy amongst scientists who believe in evolution and not design or creation that evolution is true and design or creation is not. To suggest otherwise is just whackaloonery.”
Me: [laughs] Good one. I heard you went to the Creation Museum. That was way brave, dude. weren’t you afraid they’d heckle you or slap you around a little? I heard on YouTube that you guys were persecuted for no reason at all.”
Squiddy: “We promised real hard not to be any trouble, then came in with a bunch of T-shirts we knew would offend everybody and made snarky remarks about all of their “exhibits,” like the fossils found throughout the ‘museum,’ the Dinosaur Den, the Noah’s Ark Construction site and the Natural Selection exhibit and all that.” They had all this “evidence” so-called too.”
Me: “Like what?”
Squiddy: “I dunno. I wasn’t really paying attention. It’s not like I came ‘prepared to believe,’ right? I had fawning groupies to think about.”
Me: “It was probably a lost cause anyway. I’ve never been there, but I imagine it’s like Southern gospel music, cheap cardborad signs and paper mache’, right?”
Squiddy: “No, no, it’s actually rather top-notch.”
Me: “Really?”
Squiddy: “Yeah, it’s was on par with any other museum. They have animatronics, a planetarium, a petting zoo, video presentations… Pretty state-of-the-art actually. Too bad they’re lying Creationist wingnuts. Anyway, we went there with an open mind but they kicked us out for no reason at all, so we had a mock communion outside the museum grounds. The next day I gave a presentation I’d prepared before I went to the museum for my groupies telling them how I was unconvinced by their so-called evidence and that we should just mock these guys from now on.”
Me: “You know what I think would be awesome? If we just challenged these guys to a debate and crushed their so-called evidence with our overwhelming evidence once and for all!”
Squiddy: “Then don’t think!”
Me: “Huh?”
Squiddy: “Who’s side are you on? These guys are lying liars who are really good at lying to the gullible public. They crush us in debates.”
Me: “But I thought we had the better argument?”
Squiddy: “We do. They’re just better arguers. If you didn’t have experts like me to tell you better, you’d think they were actually intelligent, that they knew their material better than us evolutionists and that we disagree with them without really even knowing what they believe exactly but we now it ain’t tru by proxy. I mean, those guys are slick! Besides if we debate them, people might think they’ve actually got a legitimate point and we don’t want that – the sheeple might side with the ignorant, lying wackaloon creationists!”
Me: So what do you recommend we do then?”
Squiddy: “We’ve got Big Science and the public education machine behind us. Who needs the time and trouble of actually engaging their arguments when we can just mock them, associate them with pseudoscience and call them names from a safe distance.”
Me: “So we just mock them?”
Squiddy: “We just mock them. They’re idiots. They probably even like it. Don’t waste your time discussing the evidence. They might convince you to believe their lies.”
PZ Squiddy was through with his chili dog and, by extension, with me, so this uber atheist mockstar wondered off without another word.
I had come to this conversation convinced that we must fight these Creationists and designists tooth and nail for the threat they pose to reason itself and to our poor, ignorant, gullible children. PZ Squiddyhas laid out a brilliant stategy for success. We can win this war against the designists, armed with our faith in the word of uber atheist experts like PZ Squiddy and a fistful of snarky remarks!
– Redman Clupea
President of D.O.G.M.A.
The Gilded Parrot is the Official newsletter of D.O.G.M.A. Join us next issue for an exclusive interview with Dr. Rickroll Dawggins, aka Darwin’s Weiner Dawg, on why Creationists are only apparently intelligent not actually intelligent like it seems when they crush our arguments and leave us tongue-tied and flabbergasted with seemingly reasonable Creationist lies disguised as sound logic!
Defending Genesis 
Nicely done!
No, it is not nicely done. It is pitiful: unintelligent, dishonest and very unfunny.
Lemme guess: You’re one of PZ’s credulous groupies, right?