Santy Claus Is Outsourcing!
He’s gotta be. How else do we explain those pernicious little twisty ties that bind every toy to the box at the molecular level? Can we attribute this cruel packaging development to good-hearted, jolly ol’ Saint Nick? Doesn’t this seem more on par with some trick of Ol’ Scratch?
Can a man with a unimpeachable gold-plated reputation of loving children the world over really be responsible for a packaging method that drives parents insane and guarantees that children will be sobbing and wailing before the toy finally extricates itself from these twisty tie tentacles?
God forbid! Shall we blame it then on subversive elves? On what basis? And even a cursury examination of these toys will reveal that they are no longer Made at the North Pole. Instead we see Made in a Certain Country that Paints Toys with Lead Poisoning! Didn’t these guys also give us arts and crafts that turn into the date rape drug when mixed with saliva? Is China engaging in chemical warfare?? Can there be any doubt that they are also, in fact, responsible for these torturous twisty ties???
Do you see how evil outsourcing is now? An impeccable even saintly franchise sullied.
Of course, this brings up the question of whether Santa Claus has “gone bad.” Heaven knows he doesn’t run a publicly traded company, so the decision to outsource had to have been his. We can’t blame greed. Santa allegedly doesn’t make a buck, although one wonders how he pays for his inventory, staffing requirements, et cetera. Maybe it’s all branding now and he just collects royalties on products associated with his image or likeness. Who knows? Maybe elves aren’t as good as the media would have us believe. Maybe they revolted. Maybe THEY turned bad. Maybe Santa didn’t have any other choice but to outsource. There are other stories about elvish folk, you know, though it’s not PC to mention them…
All I know is it stinks and I don’t like it.
The Meaning of Merry CHRISTmas
“Have a Happy Holiday,” I said.
I had purposely avoided saying Merry CHRISTmas because I’ve been told that I am somehow shoving my religion down everyone’s throat ever time I say Merry CHRISTmas. And far be it from me to play havoc with the mercurial beliefs of those weak-willed enough to convert based on a simple greeting.
Honestly, I had no idea that such a sentiment could be so powerful. Did YOU know that wishing someone a Merry CHRISTmas would force them to convert to my faith? Did you know that acknowledging the existence of an officially recognized national holiday celebrated by the majority of a democratic nation would officially set up a Christian Theocracy?? Did you know that the mere mention of CHRISTmas would have such an effect? I am assured it is so.
Now, IF there are really folks out there who are so weak-willed that my wishing them a simple Merry CHRISTmas will actually “force my religion” on them, then perhaps I could remedy the situation by also wishing them a Happy Independence Day! Would such a greeting as that, reserved for patriotic sentiment, somehow engender an independent thought to help them stand resolute against this pernicious assault of contrary sentiments?
Far be it from Sirius to force someone to covert to my faith by such a simple, yet pernicious means. Though, honestly, if I’d known people were such willy nilly weak-willed sheep, I wouldn’t have wasted my time with such tedious methods as knocking on doors, passing out tracts, debating, preaching, reasoning or what-have-you: I would’ve simply sent more CHRISTmas Cards.
What is it about this little phrase, Merry CHRISTmas, that makes some guys so rabidly Christophobic, I wonder? Wishing one a Merry CHRISTmas does not force you to believe in God, angels, the Immaculate Conception or wise men. Nor does it mandate a belief in elves, flying reindeer, Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, potentially falsifiable fictional characters in general or Tim Allen’s acting ability. It may give you the irrational urge to listen to Christmas music, sing carols or watch Christmas movies like National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, How The Grinch Stole Christmas, It’s a Beautiful Life or Die Hard. You may feel inclined to indulge in a drink of egg nog, a saccharine bit of candy cane or really show what a masochist you are and visit the relatives. The very mention of a Merry CHRISTmas greeting may even cause you to wish it would bloody snow already. But it will not force you to participate at all!
Oh, but some object that when I say Merry CHRISTmas that I’m somehow intolerant or offensive to their peculiar beliefs of unbelief, as the case may be. And they write angry little letters to the paper and to corporations who have Human Resources departments with almost nothing at all to do except pick at nits and launch witch hunts. So there are companies who now absurdly forbid their employees to say Merry CHRISTmas to their customers because a small minority of their customers might be celebrating an entirely different holiday or not be celebrating anything at all, just using it as an excuse to get drunk and get loot really. We’re all supposed to say Happy Holidays instead, because it’s allegedly more neutral.
It’s pretty silly.
Now, I’m not really offended by the phrase Happy Holidays. How could I be? It’s meaningless. But it’s all the poor saps at the stores are allowed to say when they’d really like to just say Merry CHRISTmas along with the vast majority of USAmerica and the world-at-large, like they do when they’re off the clock. So I don’t take it out on them. It’s not their fault.
Think about it: What do we accomplish by substituting Happy Holidays for Merry CHRISTmas? Are the sodding atheists happy with that? NO. They’re still pissed, the killjoys. Did wishing the rest of the populace, the ones who aren’t as easily offended as atheists, a Merry CHRISTmas offend them?
In my experience, and maybe yours was different, it went like this:
“Merry Christmas, Isaac!”
“Thank you! And a Happy Hannukah to you!”
And it was like that with everybody. True tolerance and respect for the other guy’s bag without reducing it to a bland, homogenized Happy Holidays, whatever that means to you, Bub.
It was like that with everybody, I said. And everybody was HAPPY! except the atheists.
Except the atheists.
Except the killjoy atheists.
Why weren’t the atheists happy? Aside from the fact that they don’t believe in God much less holidays that celebrate Him in any fashion, they’re just jealous.
Just jealous. yep.
“Merry Christmas, Richard Dawkins!”
“Thank you! And a Happy… A Merry… A Holly, jolly… oh, drat. We haven’t anything to celebrate of our own. We don’t believe in God, much less holidays to celebrate Him. We do believe in aliens and Darwin and and flying spaghetti monsters, sort of. Maybe we could organize something around that. Of course, Darwin Day’s much too far away on the calendar to invoke it during the holiday season. We wouldn’t sound at all bright greeting people with a holiday thats still a few months aways. May as well wish them a Happy April Fool’s Day at Christmas! Of course, they do wish us a Happy Atheist Day on April Foool’s, but – Humbug! Humbug!”
They got nothing.
You know what? Merry Christmas anyway, Richard Dawkins! God bless us everyone!
– Sirius Knott
The Holidays Are Happy, but Biased
I had the audacity to wish someone a Happy Holiday.
In my naivette, I had supposed that I was being inclusive by wishing him a Happy Holiday. After all, I was still giving him a choice as to which Holiday he celebrated. I wasn’t forcing him to have a Merry CHRISTmas. He could have a Happy Hannukah, Boxing Day, Voodoo Day or whatever his particular poison happened to be. If he was an atheist, he could at least celebrate Festivus [for the Rest of us].
Now that I’ve had time to reflect, I suppose it was highly inconsiderate to have wished him happiness at all! Why should he be happy, merry or jolly in any way? Do I have the right to wish he was happy? What if he prefers to be otherwise? The Holidays are a pretty depressing affair for some folks. And what if he couldn’t help being unhappy? What about folks who suffer from depression? How could I be so inconsiderate of their condition by wishing they were happy or merry when they’ve simply no choice in the matter? It’s pretty selfish when you think about it that way, right?
But he objected not to happiness, but to holidays. He took issue with the very idea of a holiday. He claimed that it was biased.
I couldn’t agree more.
The Holiday is extremely biased.
All Holidays are. They just think they’re better than other days, especially Mondays.
I’ve spoken with several Holidays about this extremely discriminatory attitude, but Holidays remain prejudiced against other days of the year. The Holiday claims to be superior to other days. In fact, they believe they control the economy, patriotism and even people’s happiness. The media and advertisers in general seem to agree with this preposterous claim! And the Holiday sees no evidence that other days are so imbued. In fact, Holidays commonly refer to other days as weakdays. I’ve advised themm that they are mispelling the word “week” and changing the meaning with it, but these Holidays… well! They’re past all reason.
In response, the Holiday has reminded me of that the etymology of the word is “holy day.” It’s been all I can do to keep from reminding them that the word is decidedly NOT derived from “holier-than-thou days!” They won’t listen.
The Holidays have even imagined a new social order for calendar creatures based on their alleged superiority. Work days will obviously provide the majority of the labor. Staff days will be in charge of Human Resources issues. Vacation days will be the entertainers of the new order. Sick days will tend to medical issues and, I suppose, day care. Election days will handle government affairs, which Holiday has little interest in. Lawn care will be provided by Field day. Pet care will be provided by dog days. Media concerns will be address by red-letter days. [I’m concerned that the change in ink color may effect legibility]. Agricultural concerns by hay day….
Honestly, there’s more to their insane dreams, but I couldn’t listen to any more of this hubris. Nor could I force you to endure more.
Though biased these Holidays may be, Holiday are special. And despite, or perhaps because of, their delusions, Holiday are happy.
And Merry CHRISTmas!
For those of you who enjoyed this tongue-in-cheek analysis, but have serious concerns about your rights during the holiday season, I highly recommend the ACLJ’s Christmas Resource Center.