Holidays are Extremely Biased …But Happy


Have a Happy Holiday, I said. I had purposely avoided saying Merry CHRISTmas because I’ve been told that I am somehow shoving my religion down everyone’s throat ever time I say Merry CHRISTmas. And far be it from me to play havoc with the mercurial beliefs of those weak-willed enough to convert based on a simple greeting.

Honestly, I had no idea that such a sentiment could be so powerful. Did YOU know that wishing someone a Merry CHRISTmas would force them to convert to my faith? Did you know that acknowledging the existence of an officially recognized national holiday celebrated by the majority of a democratic nation would officially set up a Christian Theocracy?? Did you know that the mere mention of CHRISTmas would have such an effect? What is it about this little phrase, Merry CHRISTmas, that makes some guys so rabidly Christophobic, I wonder? Far be it from Sirius to force someone to covert to my faith by such a simple, yet pernicious means. If I’d known people were such willy nilly weak-willed sheep, I wouldn’t have wasted my time with such tedious methods as knocking on doors, passing out tracts, debating, preaching, reasoning or what-have-you. I would’ve simply sent more CHRISTmas Cards.

I supposed in my naivette that I was being inclusive by wishing him a Happy Holiday. After all, I was still giving him a choice as to which Holiday he celebrated. I wasn’t forcing him to have a Merry CHRISTmas. He could have a Happy Hannukah, Boxing Day, Voodoo Day or whatever his particular poison happened to be. If he was an atheist, he could at least celebrate Festivus [for the Rest of us]. Now that I’ve had time to reflect, I suppose it was highly inconsiderate to wish he’d have a merry… well, let’s leave CHRISTmas out of this for a moment. Why should he be happy, merry or jolly in any way? Do I have the right to wish he was happy? What if he prefers to be otherwise? The Holidays are a pretty depressing affair for some folks. And what about folks who suffer from depression? How could I be so inconsiderate of their condition by wishing they were happy? It’s pretty selfish when you think about it that way, right?

But he objected not to happiness, but to holidays. He took issue with the very idea of a holiday. He claimed that it was biased. 

I couldn’t agree more.

The Holiday is extremely biased.

All Holidays are. They just think they’re better than other days, especially Mondays.

I’ve spoken with several Holidays about this extremely discriminatory attitude, but Holidays remain prejudiced against other days of the year. The Holiday claims to be superior to other days. In fact, they believe they control the economy, patriotism and even people’s happiness. The media and advertisers in general seem to agree with this preposterous claim! And the Holiday sees no evidence that other days are so imbued. In fact, Holidays commonly refer to other days as weakdays. I’ve advised themm that they are mispelling the word “week” and changing the meaning with it, but these Holidays… well! They’re past all reason.

In response, the Holiday has reminded me of that the etymology of the word is “holy day.” It’s been all I can do to keep from reminding them that the word is decidedly NOT derived from “holier-than-thou days!” They won’t listen.

The Holidays have even imagined a new social order for calendar creatures based on their alleged superiority. Work days will obviously provide the majority of the labor. Staff days will be in charge of Human Resources issues. Vacation days will be the entertainers of the new order. Sick days will tend to medical issues. Election days will handle government affairs, which Holiday has little interest in. Lawn care will be provided by Field day. Pet care will be provided by dog days and day care will be provided to whomever needs it. Media concerns will be address by red-letter days. [I’m concerned that the change in ink color may effect legibility]. Agricultural concerns by hay day….

 Honestly, there’s more to their insane dreams, but I couldn’t listen to any more of this hubris. Nor could I force you to endure more.

Though biased these Holidays may be, Holiday are special. And despite, or perhaps because of, their delusions, Holiday are happy.

Happy Holidays.

And Merry CHRISTmas!

—Sirius Knott

For those of you who enjoyed this tongue-in-cheek analysis, but have serious concerns about your rights during the holiday season, I highly recommend the ACLJ’s Christmas Resource Center.

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