For those of you who were severely disappointed by the news that the Georgia Bigfoot, also known as the big Halloween costume shot at a tellingly odd angle and stuffed into a freezer, turned out to be a big hoax, we offer the following relief from cryptid fakery!
Ladies and gentlemen! People with money of all ages! I invite you to suspend incredulity, disbelief and all traditional preconceptions of “common sense,” for you are about to feast your eyes upon the Genuine Article, the Real McCoy, I daresay the Jackelope jackpot! We know that many of you were sorely disappointed that Bigfoot hunter Tom Biscardi got first dibbs to purchase the Georgia Bigfoot for an undisclosed amount, just because he’s a big, honking “crypto-professional!” I mean, where are us amateurs supposed to score big time cryptozoic evidence like that? There are WE supposed to spend our undisclosed sums of cash?? I’ve strolled through the woods plenty of times and NEVER, not once, except that daydream that doesn’t count [for obvious reasons] have I ever stumbled upon evidence of any sort that would shake the scientific community to its smug little know-it-all core! No footprints, no fur samples — and certainly no fortuitously abandoned cryptid corpses [apparently stabbed to death and left for dead according to the hoaxers’ proffered scenario, since they reportedly encountered other Bigfeet who nonetheless had no problem letting them leave with the body. In fact, maybe we were supposed to believe that they so hated this fellow Bigfoot that they gladly sold his corpse to the first available hikers who crossed their paths for an undisclosed sum, just so they wouldn’t have tolook at his fake-looking furry face anymore!].
Never fear, I have the answer to your dillema: the Jackelope in a Poke!
That’s right! You can own your very own cryptid to wow your skeptical friends with! This waaaaaaay better than Georgia Bigfoot! For one thing, Jackelope in a Poke is small, so you won’t have to lug it around anywhere. In a word, it’s portable. [You’ll also save on shipping!]
Nor will you have to worry about buying a big, space-consuming freezer to store your cryptid in. Ours doesn’t need a freezer; it’s still fresh! No stink. No mess. No kidding! Think about it: Now you won’t have to convince your skeptical friends to come over to see the rotting, stinking carcass of your fake-looking Georgia Bigfoot on ice. Instead you can pass around the cute, furry Jackelope in a Poke!
You’ll also notice that we’re providing photos of the beast that AREN’T taken at some cockamamie angle. [I mean, really, if you have an athentic cryptid corpse, why take photos at horrid angles that prevent a good look at the subject’s face? You may as well shoot grainy film of the beastie!
Where are all of the professional amateur hikers who’re cryptid enthusiasts who just happen to have cameras when they see their favorite cryptozoic specimen?? Can’t ANYone take a decent picture of these guys, even when it’s not moving and is, in fact, kind of frozen stiff in the bottom of your freezer?] No, OUR pictures aren’t manipulated in the slightest to hide any falsehood. OK, the Jackelope did insist that we shoot his good side [the bad side’s grumpy-lookin’], but we’re not picking angles that hide anything cause they’re fake or anything.
If you can’t trust ol’ Sirius on this, who can you trust? Apparently, not the cops. One of the guys who sold the Georgia Bigfoot to Tom for an undisclosed sum was a policeman. [Et tu, ex-officer Whitton?] Serve and protect, man. Serve and protect.
Anyway, there you have it: a cheap, portable, non-rotting [nonp-stinking], cute and furry alternate to paying hoaxers an undisclosed sum for a Halloween costume you haven’t bothered checking out before you make the purchase. The Jackelope in a Poke can be yours today for HUGE wads of cash. Or you could just go out and buy a Sasquatch Halloween costume, I suppose. I’m sure Wal-Mart already has them for sale by now. [You might want to hurry; the Christmas stuff will replace the Halloween aisle by mid-September!]
And speaking of the holidays, if cryptids aren’t YOUR thing, I’m sure you know someone else who’s a weirdo amateur cryptozooligist. It would make the perfect stocking stuffer. Just take it out of the poke and politely [but firmly] slip it into the Christmas stocking.
Yes, just send me rediculously huge undisclosed wads of cash and Yes, this coveted cryptid cutie could be yours today… pending the results of the post-hoax lawsuit involving the Georgia Bigfoot, of course!
In the meantime, cryptofanatics, happy hunting!