Santy Claus is Outsourcin’


He’s gotta be. How else do we explain those pernicious little twisty ties that bind every toy to the box at the molecular level? Can we attribute this cruel packaging development to good-hearted, jolly ol’ Saint Nick? Doesn’t this seem more on par with some trick of Ol’ Scratch?

Can a man with a unimpeachable gold-plated reputation of loving children the world over really be responsible for a packaging method that drives parents insane and guarantees that children will be sobbing and wailing before the toy finally extricates itself from these twisty tie tentacles?

God forbid! Shall we blame it then on subversive elves? On what basis? And even a cursury examination of these toys will reveal that they are no longer Made at the North Pole. Instead we see Made in a Certain Country that Paints Toys with Lead Poisoning! Didn’t these guys also give us arts and crafts that turn into the date rape drug when mixed with saliva? Is China engaging in chemical warfare?? Can there be any doubt that they are also, in fact, responsible for these torturous twisty ties???

Do you see how evil outsourcing is now? An impeccable even saintly franchise sullied.

Of course, this brings up the question of whether Santa Claus has “gone bad.” Heaven knows he doesn’t run a publicly traded company, so the decision to outsource had to have been his. We can’t blame greed. Santa allegedly doesn’t make a buck, although one wonders how he pays for his inventory, staffing requirements, et cetera. Maybe it’s all branding now and he just collects royalties on products associated with his image or likeness. Who knows? Maybe elves aren’t as good as the media would have us believe. Maybe they revolted. Maybe THEY turned bad. Maybe Santa didn’t have any other choice but to outsource. There are other stories about elvish folk, you know, though it’s not PC to mention them…

 All I know is it stinks and I don’t like it.

 —-Sirius Knott

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